waiting for christmas
Online shopping is the devils work.
I could have just gone to the shops. The actual physical shops, in my actual physical car. Driven down the real street, fought vigorously with a couple of grannies for the latest hype toy. Gone home victorious but battle scarred. I could have.
Instead i chose to buy shit online.
After going through a 20 stage process i gather all my gifts into a metaphysical basket. Then I need to register, putting in loads of personal details and yet another fucking password for me to forget. Having finally got through that we get with only a couple of crashes I get to the page where we put in our delivery address. This should be easy but for some god forsaken reason the fucking bastard automatic address finder absolutely point blank refuses to acknowledge that my address exists. Having suffered the anguish of the thought that perhaps they are right and i don’t exist in anyone elses head but my own i give in. I have to admit that i am wrong and the address that is on my front door and all the fucking bills that have no problem in finding me, no iwantnoneofthose is fucking right and i have to accept that my address is actually on a completely different road. I can only pray that the local postie will use the same diligence in finding me as he does when he comes armed with four bills in stark crimson. Of course none of this fucking matters half the time because the fucking website insists on sending my shit to the credit card address anyway so that the accountant ends up with a bumper load of anusol.
Nearly there.
Nearly there.
One more step before processing.
Verified by visa.
It’s like Satan waiting at the gates of hell.
I fucking hate verified by visa. No matter what i put in it denies my password is correct. I’m sitting there thinking what the bastard 2nd, 4th and 7th symbol is and i can’t work it out. I’m sure i’ve got it right, but no it seems they know how to spell my mothers maiden name better than me. Fuck it i’ll reset it
I don’t know why i bothered. What was the fucking point in any of this because apparently somewhere in the small printt of the the box you have to tick in order to absolutely GUARANFUCKINGTEEE that the parcels will arrive in the next couple of days there’s a clause i missed. Somewhere hidden deep in the small print like the watch in punchys bum in pulp fiction, deep deep down inside there is a clause that says the guarantee is not fucking valid should some snow appear on the horizon or indeed there be any climactic change whatsoever. if there is, it means the parcel could arrive at any point within the next four weeks. Brilliant, Christmas is off till Parcelforce decide the sun has got it’s hat on.
Of course in the end a lonely and disgruntled parcel guy armed with an etch a sketch and scalpel to cut his own wrists when it’s all too much arrives at your drive. At least the fucking parcel tracker says he has, but somehow by some fucking miracle which can only prove the existence of god, by some absolute freak of nature, the fucking parcel tracker bitch of a website claims that he tried to deliver but somehow on this one occasion you were not in. I HAVEN”T LEFT THE HOUSE. This cannot be!!! The mother fucker. Did he ring the bell? Did he knock? or did he just drive by and deduce it was too fucking cold to get out of his warm van ensconsed between dog eared copies of razzle and old ginster packs.
So now, because it was my fucking fault for somehow not knowing that the courier guy had metaphsyically presented himself at my closed door, because of this they have now carried away my precious gifts to their “delivery base” from whence i now have to travel forth and retrieve it. Fortunately this HQ is only open 5 hours every morning and is situated in such a shit hole of an industrial estate on what can only be deemed london as optimistically as Luton airport is, even my sat nav decalres this part of the world out of bounds. After having paid an extra £10 for the priviledge of not receiving my packages i must journey far and long to stand in a long queue of similarly disillusioned punters in order to be ignored for as long as possible by the sour faced man behind the counter.
After looking quizzically at my delivery card as though he has never ever seen such a thing in his entirely life he waddles off into the back for half an hour with my goods. Hooray Christmas is here!
Earnestly clutching my hard won Christmas presents to my chest i waddle precariously to the car happy in the thought that Santa has at last arrived.
Joy at last, good things come to those that wait, i rip open the tardy jiffy.
Hang on i didn’t fucking order this!!
brass in pocket
woke up this morning wondering why my jeans felt so heavy and my stomach so bad. remembered that Mike, Magic, Beat Stevie and Lob Marley wagered me the princely sum of fifteen golden nuggets to eat a big spoonful of mustard.
EASY
next i want to try a World Record attempt at eating doughnuts.
a right royal nuclear knees up
You know how they like to leak bad news out at times when the press is busy occupied by something else? You know 9/11 you drop a load of new tax laws or something and no one notices? Well tell me, is it a coincidence that today, on the day the date for the royal wedding is announced, and we are given an extra bank holiday that on this very day, Kim Jong Il decides to unleash his furious rockets down on Western Society?
No fucking way. This is not by chance.
He thinks he’s gonna get away with it and no one’s going to notice the nuclear holocaust raining down on all of us, as we will be too enchanted by the eternal question of just what Kate’s dress will look like. Well not me, i’m watching you four eyes.
I hate the Beatles
so the beatles are coming to itunes
wow. so what? fuck off.
i mean really who gives a shit about a decades old band who were shit in the first place with their kindergarten rhymes.
is this how we’re going to venerate Take That in the future? a crinkly old boy band that everyone deifies with the healing cream of sentimentalism, even as it descends into an orgy of commercialism.
If i don’t get arrested straight away i am going to shoot David Cameron in the face
You are going to have to be very careful what you say from now on, as it has just been proven that it is possible to be arrested for saying something online, even if it was meant as a joke.
This is the clearest example that some people just don’t get it. They simply do not understand the internet or it seems, have simply no common sense. I am absolutely shocked in this day and age that this can be happening.
This could be the last blog from me…
how to rekindle your sex life
i have often espoused the fact that porn is the one thing that drives technology forward
Perhaps this is why the take up for the otherwise amazing Kindle has been fairly slow. There is a parsimonious amount of porn on there and what there is, is pretty lame, of the line drawn variety that the weirdo kids at school used to do in the back of their maths books.
In one of those strange impossible to foretell twists there is one area of porn however, in which the Kindle is absolutely smashing it, and this is one that i am not so familiar with. Erotic literature for women.
The 10 best selling current ebooks are all erotic fiction!! That’s crazy. There isn’t even one sexy book for women in the whole top 100 of paperbacks.
Of course this all makes sense, buying dirty books on the kindle means you don’t have to suffer the ignominity of handing over cash in smiths for tatty smut, nor do you have to reveal your choice of literature on the tube in the morning.
So this means that ebook development is being pushed forward steadily by its huge fan base of women with wandering fingers. Now you know why it’s so easy to turn pages on the Kindle using only one hand.
this ain’t a meeting, it’s a me ting.
Having grieved immensely over the sad loss of The Inbetweeners i have now found a new televisual love. Phone Shop looks like it’s going to be crap and it is a little bit crap but it’s also quite a lot brilliant. It doesn’t have the class of The Inbetweeners or the pathos of The Office but it does make me reminisce about the days that i worked on Slutton High Street in a similar establishment. Check it out, you will order your next mobile online.
out with the new, in with the old
I’ve been a fool. Suckered in by the fancy cosmetics and sexy packaging. Just cos it’s new don’t make it better. This applies to audio gear, cars, motorbikes, women and, i just learnt, televisions.
i learnt many things when we were finishing off the Trust Me video. I learnt that when you ride your bike home pissed and stack it bad you should always take your teeth away with you. I also learnt that cathode ray tv’s actually have the best picture.In this lovely plush post production studio with fruit and HD the main monitor was a CRT beast that cost the price of a car.
Yes, the big fucking heavy box tv’s that we’ve all binned in recent years are actually better than all the LCD, plasma’s that re on sale today. I feel completely naive. Just a few weeks ago I did a car booty and we ended up giving away a load of old tv’,s they were so fucking heavy and shit that we just couldn’t be bothered to even put them back in the van. That’s a lie, we TRIED to give them away. No one wanted them. Shit it, this is some betamax shit. The market winner isn’t the best after all, but merely the survivor. We can’t have cathode ray tv’s anymore cos they can’t be recycled, it’s nothing to do with the picture quality. Plus of course they are a right pain to carry up multiple flights of stairs and they require a full size coffee table to house them but nonetheless when it comes to watching TV, an old tube TV is the best. You can’t buy one anymore but that just makes them all the more desirable.
So it seems all these new tv’s we’ve upgraded to are inferior to the ones we’ve just binned, and the reason we’ve binned the box tv’s is cos they can’t be recycled Absolute madness. We would have been better keeping the old ones, better picture and no need for recycling aftar all.
Fortunately i never got round to upgrading and so after a titanic struggle with four sets of stairs I am now rocking a beast of an old skool set up which when combined with some booming 5.1 absolutely rapes Mike’s new LED, HD, stereo only bollocks.
don’t believe the hype.
the best things in life aren’t free
Rob Dickins once said to me you’ll never get anywhere wearing trainers. He was wrong about that and he’s wrong about the idea that all albums should cost a quid.
Rob Dickins is the ex Chairman of Warners and the BPI. The industry creation built to encourange people to support the industry by spending their money on music. He has recently come out to say that the way to save the music industry is to make all albums cost a pound.
As an alternative Christian Tattersfield, the incumbent Chairman of WMG, has refused to supply cd’s to Tesco’s claiming that their demands are simply not economically viable. So who’s right? How much is music worth? Should we be trying to push the price up or reduce it?
Both Christian and Rob are from the wrong generation, from a world where music was worth something, where careers and companies were built on record sales, and kids saved up their pennies to buy it. This is a world that doesn’t exist anymore.
You can’t make something worth something. It’s worth is precisely what the market will pay for it. Right now for most of recorded music that’s nothing. A recent survey by a bunch of geeks went out into the street and asked a selection of young people how much they would pay for all the music that was on their ipods. What was the average price all these kids would pay for these thousands of tracks they listened to and played every day? ZERO. That was all they perceived it to be worth.
You can’t turn round and teach a generation that something they are used to getting for free they now have to pay for. In this world, technology gets better and stuff gets cheaper, that’s just the way it works, the way it’s always worked. The whole point of recorded music was to make music cheaper and more accessible to all and we have done a fucking great job in achieving this.
Music technology has now reached the point where duplication is free. But the physical duplication of music has always been a fraction of the cost of the finished article. You are paying for the creativity and time that’s gone into creating it, as well as admittedly in modern pop music, the huge marketing and promotional costs involved. But shouldn’t we find a way to reward the people that create the music we devour?
The people who benefit our lives the most are health professionals, the nurses and the like who do their very best to ensure our lives continue. Nurses get paid fuck all but they do an incredibly hard, demanding job and one on which we all rely on at some point. Shouldn’t people get paid what their worth is to society? i would argue yes but people want Gucci more than health care and this is seen clearly in the US where people die with no health insurance but a nice car in the drive.
The reason we can get away with paying nurses fuck all is because as tough as it may be it’s a rewarding job and the majority of people are good and nice and they want to help others. Because people are always going want to be nurses and get emotionally rewarded anyway there’s no need to financially reward them. People are carers for free just cos they’re nice. Conversely no one wants to be a banker if they’re not getting paid, no one wants to clean toilets or work in Burger King, we need to pay these people to do these jobs. Unfortunately it’s the same with musicians. People who make music are creative individuals who will go on making music anyway. They love it, it rewards their soul, music is it’s own reward.
The side effect of all this is the people who end up doing rewarding jobs, nurses, musos, charity fundraisers et al aren’t neccessarily the best at it. Generally they’re just the ones who most want to do it, the ones who are prepared to put up with all the shit, the terrible hours and the crap pay to do it. Of course for a nurse this is probably a forte, the nurse who most wants to care for you is going to be a pretty good nurse. But in music not so much. The person who desperately wants to make music is most likely the david brent twat at work who likes to pick up an acoustic and serenade you with their own masterpieces after a few drinks. This is not good.
Sometimes the best musicians are reluctant creators. The ones we’ll lose when music doesn’t pay are those that have something to say, something important, but their hardships are too great, and there are bills to pay. It will just be posh people, who like making shit for the sake of it. Show me a rich bunch of kids that have ever made any great music. Life’s too fucking easy.
This malaise is prevalent too in all the major record labels. Who comes up through the ranks? The people who can afford to be an intern for free for a year. People with rich parents who see music as an entertaining little sideline. Now you may argue that the strange cyclical nature of the world is that when the shit hits the fan, and there is no money to be made, the greatest music will unfold from someone who, because of the hardship, has great songs, something to say, and despite or even because of the lack of money will make music that we all want to hear. And then, because of the amazing network that has built up to make all music free and available to all we will all be able to hear it, for free. And we will say thank you for this gift that we will have been given. And it will be a gift cos we still won’t pay for it. Not even a quid.
So how can we sort it out that people pay for what things are worth? Well this is pretty difficult with nursing and physical product but digital manufacture offers an amazing opportunity. If you like something a lot pay more for it. Pay per play, it doesn’t matter if something’s old, or hyped or unheard of, why can’t artists be paid proportionally for every time you play it? The technology must exist, does exist, to record all this stuff, it’s right there in your itunes account. When you buy an expensive coat but only wear it once that’s tough shit but music, why not? Hear of a new band, try it out, never play it again it doesn’t cost you shit but one plays worth. What a great incentive to try new music. Once you find something you love, that you play every single day and becomes part of your life why not pay more for it? Why not reward the creator who has given you something that makes your life a little bit better. All this shit about hoisting music on people they don’t want is insane. Give people what they want and they will happily pay you for it. People are saying about the Dickins 1 pound idea, people only want the single so why not give them the rest of the album for free? The clue is right there. THEY ONLY WANT THE SINGLE. So give them the single let them cane the shit out of it, and pay you accordingly. Why should people get music they don’t want and won’t play? Album’s only exist because that was how much space there was on bits of vinyl, that’s why filler tracks are called fillers. Now we can just have what we want why not give it to people. Let’s get digital.
welcome to the mowo’s

Hello and welcome to the mowo’s. This will be a new award show taking place next year to celebrate music of white origin. The awards will be open to music of all levels of mediocrity, lacking in rhythm, soul and passion. While it will be primarily the playlist of Nick Griffin it will not just be a sea of white faces like the crowd at the MOBO’s, oh no, black artists with as little heart and integrity as JLS and Alexandra Burke will be welcomed with open arms.
Music of white origin, completely lacking in authenticity, is still being created today in the very boardrooms of major record labels. We seek to celebrate this dying art as they extract the last drop of blood from the dying beast that is commercial music. Let’s all go dad dancing to your favourite music without attitude.
Respect to Green, the blackest white person on the black awards.










